The airport was where it all really started to hit- the realization that it was over, the fact that no one there cared about my recent accomplishment, that I needed to function and abide by the rules of society, and that my brain was indeed not where it was before trail. I remember trying to use the computer at the check-in for my boarding pass and I somehow turned it into Spanish and was too flustered to ask for help, haha. I figured it out. But I was so out of sorts all the way to my gate, where I immediately found a bar and ordered a drink.

My brain-dead-stunned little self was welcomed by my whole family in New Hampshire, wearing masks and holding big signs. 🥰

My sister, Jenna, is pregnant (with TWINS!!!), so I wanted to be extra careful around all of them considering my travels. I headed up to the lake to quarantine for a few days ‘til I could get a COVID test. I was pretty grateful for this, however, as I wasn’t sure how to explain what I was going through. I am going to try now though.

It was as if my brain shut off. Like, completely shut off. I was having a hard time forming sentences. My thoughts were scattered and not linear, I was exhausted. My body went from running on crazy-survival-mode-adrenalin, and the second it sensed safety or that it was no longer in danger or whatever, it just shut off. I spent a couple days confused and crying, thinking that I broke myself forever, which I can laugh at now, but was really not fun in the moment, haha. The struggle with communicating made it really hard. I had no idea how to explain why I couldn’t answer the phone, work a computer, etc. I just felt dumb, straight dumb. I went out for a walk a couple times and that helped.. but a lot of my friends and family were calling and wanting to talk about my hike, and being home, and ‘now what am I going to do', and I just couldn’t. I spent the week sleeping 10+ hours, walking a little bit, eating everything, drinking all the tequila, and then going to bed. Once I got my clear COVID test, I headed back to Manchester. We had a small bachelorette gathering for Sara, which was so much fun, but I was still pretty brain-dead and stunned, for lack of better terms. 

I moved into Sara and Neil’s in Manchester. For the first time since July of 2019, I was able to unpack all of my boxes! Though I wasn’t really able to articulate my struggles, my family was incredibly supportive. And when I cried to my (Mr. No-Feelings) father saying, “What if I am dumb forever?” He definitely laughed at me, but told me it was okay, and that I just put myself through a lot, and that I could be dumb right now, that they were all here to support me and I didn’t need to rush to get back to normal. The panic faded and I realized they were all there to catch me. So while they laughed a bit at my dramatics, they have all been helping me back to my feet. 

Sara is much like me in the yoga/fitness department, and was up every morning asking if I wanted to come to class with her or workout with her. It was awesome. I didn’t need to motivate myself, I was able to hop on her train. My body hurt (and still does), a lot, but the movement has been so necessary. I am frustrated with the amount of strength that I lost on trail, but am motivated to get it all back. With more movement, my brain has started to come back ever so slowly (definitely still not 100%). 

The holidays were great, and even though it was just our family, it was still a lot for me- the fast moving from one thing to the next. I was in charge of Christmas morning waffles and totally botched it… Turns out pancakes and waffles are very different, haha. Baby steps. 

I have been giving myself small tasks every day. I did a podcast with my friend, Yearbook, released today (link here). I even got a job! 

So after a month and 6 days, I felt comfortable enough to write this post. I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support, and for your patience in my getting back to you, or your understanding in my not getting to you, haha. It’s been a struggle, but as my brain comes back, I am finally starting to digest all that this accomplishment is. I am so happy I made the decision to do the hike. I am so grateful for all that it put me through, all the friends I made, and the lessons I learned. I’ve been going through all 5,000 of my pictures and posting some highlights to my instagram @laurabee0. I am excited to put together some fun projects from this experience, stay tuned.